This article was written by our Minister to explain the ceremony to the Ministry that she is a part of. She has very kindly allowed me to include it on my website
To begin at the beginning…… It all began with receiving an email asking if I would be prepared to officiate at a "second wedding". Nothing unusual in that you may say but actually there was, for the message was from a transvestite. He explained that he and his wife had married in a "traditional ceremony" three years ago but that now they wanted another, second ceremony, where he would be as dressed as a woman, and his wife would be dressed in a black latex catsuit, to take place in the company of a few close friends; a ceremony where they could "restate their commitment to each other and to show thanks for their love". He also said that he had been able to share the fact that he enjoyed dressing in women's clothes with his wife when they first met and that she was very accepting of his feminine side, adding that they had a loving relationship.
I must admit that I was somewhat taken aback and wondered how to respond. Having just returned home from an 8-day residential I noticed that the message had been sent about a week previously and I secretly hoped that the couple had found someone else to officiate for them in the meantime. However, I was concerned that my lack of response could well have been interpreted as an unwillingness to even consider their request. So I then asked myself if I actually WAS willing to respond. Was I in fact prepared to take such a ceremony if they hadn't yet found a minister? And what about the time factor? Checking in my diary I could see that the date they were proposing for the ceremony itself was now less than two weeks away. Would it be possible for us to meet, decide if it felt right for all of us and then, if it did, write a ceremony in such a short space of time? I felt unsure, as if I had more questions than answers, but the fact that he had already spoken with a graduate of the New Seminary (who had obviously taken him seriously and passed on my details) provided a scrap of comfort so I took the bull by the horns and replied, suggesting that we arrange to meet should they still be looking for someone to officiate.
My offer was eagerly taken up and we met a few days later. I was especially interested in meeting this gentleman's wife, wondering if she really was as open and accepting of the situation as her husband had led me to believe. I saw our time together as being a potential opportunity for her to be able to voice any doubts and reservations she may have felt unable to express when they were alone together and went into the session with them with an open heart and an open mind, trusting that Spirit would lead me.
They were in fact a lovely couple and the depth of their love for each other was readily apparent. The wife was, in fact, totally accepting of the situation and was as eager as her husband to honour his feminine side. It gradually began to dawn on me that this wasn't so much about "dressing up" as formally bringing her husband's alter ego into a marriage with his wife's adventurous, playful, reciprocal and accepting aspect. From our discussions it appeared that what they would really have liked - had it been possible - was a second ceremony very much along the lines of their original wedding ceremony. It wasn't that they didn't feel served by the established Christian church but rather that the established church felt unable to serve them on this particular occasion. They explained that the ceremony would take place in a large, secluded house, rented specifically for the occasion, and only a few close friends would be in attendance. They also made it clear that they were inviting their friends to be adventurous in their dress and I became aware that this was about pushing back "socially accepted boundaries and norms" in every direction. I questioned whether I was "up for it" and carried on listening, continuing to place my trust in Spirit.
However, I was soon able to see just how important this was to them when they explained that they had been planning a second ceremony ever since their original wedding. I also began to understand how they viewed the original wedding as being incomplete and so made the decision to offer them my services.
When we got down to discussing the actual ceremony it became apparent that apart from particular pieces of music and readings that they wanted, along with a handfasting ritual, and the writing of their own vows, they were happy to leave the rest up to me. So I drafted a ceremony, based around Miranda's handout, and forwarded it to them for their comments. They liked my draft and, apart from a few minor changes, the ceremony went ahead as I had written it.
To take you through the main elements of the ceremony: In my opening Welcome I pointed out that although Mike and Julie (not their real names) had been married in a traditional ceremony three years ago, they felt that something was missing, and continued: They both knew that they had not wholly honoured their true selves and they desired a second ceremony, a second marriage, where "Claudia" could be seen and acknowledged and exchange her vows with Julie. So, today we recognise, witness and acknowledge the presence of Claudia within their relationship and we honour their willingness and ability as a couple, to explore and grow together as they move beyond the boundaries and limitations that we impose upon ourselves and upon our relationships.
I asked the "unusually-dressed and -undressed" congregation to bless and support the couple as they came together in love to make their commitment to each other and pointed out that they, their trusted friends, were honoured to know the truth of this relationship, being in a position to offer love and respect to those aspects of Mike and Julie that were not always visible to others.
In the prayer that followed I referred to the couple's gift of authenticity that they were bringing to each one of us and asked that they may they find the courage to remain true to themselves and continue on this path of exploration, revealing more and more of who they truly are, not only to each other, but also to their trusted friends. I went on to ask that they may continue to take delight in each other's company and enjoy the breadth and depth of their remarkable relationship now and forever.
At this point their friends took turns to light a candle for the couple and had the opportunity to say a few words if they so wished and, afterwards, we listened to a piece of music.
Then followed the Address:
"Claudia and Julie I honour your deep commitment to each other in undertaking this ceremony today and your willingness to allow those aspects of yourselves that are usually hidden to be revealed, for we can only love another as much as we are able to love ourselves. If we are hiding from ourselves, if we are unhappy with certain aspects of ourselves, and not allowing them to be expressed in our lives, then we are not free to truly love another. For we then become guarded, we become secretive, we shut ourselves off and the love ceases to flow. We become defensive and close down, judging ourselves and judging others. But, when we are truly able to see our shadow and then embrace it, when we are able to fully accept, experience and BE our innermost truth, then, and only then, do our hearts begin to open. Only then can we truly love another.
For it is your honesty with yourselves, and your honesty with each other that has brought you to this point in your lives. This point when you can publicly say, "I bring you everything. I bring you all of myself. I hide nothing for there is nothing that I would not share with you." May you continue to reap the rewards of this openness, and may it increase as your love, understanding and appreciation of each other grows and deepens over the years. May you know that God walks with you and delights in your freedom, your spontaneity, your lack of inhibition and your willingness to truly BE, one with the other.
We then moved on to lighting a "Unity candle" where they brought their individual candles together to light our one central candle. The Expressions of Intent were made and we moved on to the handfasting part of the ceremony where I tied their hands together with a ribbon, saying: Now as I have tied this true lovers' knot, you two are joined as one. Gentle are the bonds of this union. Pull one-way and the bonds are loosened, pull the other way and the bonds are strengthened. Now may you speak your vows. After they had said their vows, I then continued:
Through this rite, you two have been joined in spirit. Your love has been made fast by tying together. I slipped their hands out of the untied ribbon and gave it to Claudia with the words: Keep this knot as a token of your spiritual bonds, and as a visible symbol of these bonds you shall wear a ring………
We then moved to the blessing and giving of the ring, and continued with the following Prayer of Blessing:
Lord of Love and Light
Please take the love that this couple share and give it Your strength.
Bless them as they go forward into their new life, and hold their marriage in Your hands as they grow together in peace and love.
May Claudia know that she is totally loved, acceptable and free in the arms of Julie
and may Julie know that she, too, is totally loved, acceptable and free in the arms of Claudia.
Together may they create a beautiful family life where the acceptance of difference and the freedom to truly be themselves enhances and enriches the lives of all those who surround them.
Amen………..and so it is…….
The ceremony concluded with the reading of a poem followed by the Sufi blessing:
May the blessings of God rest upon you…………
and the final piece of music.
I then enjoyed a glass of champagne whilst having my photograph taken with the happy couple, relieved and content that the ceremony had been a resounding success.