Quite a few people dislike labels and the nasty way that a word can squeeze us
into little boxes. In fact every aspect of our personalities is defined not by
absolutes, but along a scale. However, these words are still used, and can at
least offer a start point to understand what you or someone else is about.
This therefore is a list of the terms that I have come across and the meanings I
associate with them. Re-read that sentence... This list is incomplete and
inaccurate, but it might help you understand the words used in discussing
alternative sexualities. If you have any additions or corrections,
email me.
Gay, Bi, Lesbian Well, if you don't know what these mean, the rest of
this list isn't going to make much sense. Gay tends to mean a male who has a
sexual preference for other males, and lesbian is the female equivalent. Bi is
more complex (short for bisexual) and implies a preference for either gender,
though not often at the same time. Note that all this describes is someone's
preferred sexual partner, not the clothes they wear, they way they behave or
any other weird association.
Lifestyle and Play There is an important distinction between aspects
of our sexuality that are something we carry with ourselves all day and every
day (lifestyle) and aspects that we only address occasionally or during sexual
activity (play). Usually being gay or transgendered is a lifestyle aspect (note
that I don't mean that they decide your lifestyle - no need to buy Diana Ross
albums if you don't want to). Transvestism and fetishism are usually play aspects in
that there is no conflict in putting it aside during the day. Sadly the two
sides can find it hard to understand the others (transvestites are 'just playing
at it' and so on).
Transgendered (or T*) Someone who in some way has a conflict with their
physical gender. They may be a transvestite, or a
transexual.
Transvestite (Tranny or TV) Someone who dresses in the clothes of the opposite sex
for personal gratification. In the US, most people seem to understand transvestite to
mean drag queen. This isn't the 'official' definition which is only concerned with
the dressing up part. In the UK at least, a transvestite is most usually a man
who might occasionally dress up in women's clothes for pleasure - and is most
often heterosexual.
Transexual (or TS) Someone who feels they were born with the wrong
gender. This may be addressed later in life by surgery and hormone treatment
to change sex, though such a route is difficult to take. Both male to
female and female to male (M2F and F2M) transexuals exist, though the F2Ms
seem to be less common, perhaps due to the fact that more
'masculine' roles are available for women in society, or perhaps because
women aren't as mad as men. Transexuals might be referred to as pre-op or
post-op - meaning that they haven't yet had the operation, or that they have
had the sex change respectively.
Drag Queen This usually describes someone who dresses
as a pastiche of femininity for other people's entertainment. Drag Queens are
commonly associated with the gay community.
Drag King Much rarer, a woman who dresses as a man usually to
attract other women.
Crossdresser Another term for transvestite. In the US this term
describes what in the UK would be called a transvestite.
Role Play In this context, using a different role during
sexual play. People may be aroused by seeing their partner take on a role,
or by taking on a role themselves. Roles might include boss and secretary,
policeman/woman.. c'mon, use your imagination. More extreme role play
can become a substitute for sexual activity, as is often the case with
age play.
Age Play Where an adult gains pleasure from taking on the
role of a much younger person (usually a child or 'adult baby'). My
understanding of this is that the role is usually one of an age before any sexual
awareness (a safe place away from the complexities of adult relationships)
and should not be confused with child abuse.
Fetishist A person who is turned on by a particular object or
stimulus. For whatever reason, people may find that they have a strong
reaction to a particular object - sometimes this is something that was
around when they had their first sexual experience, or it may be a particular
sensation from a fabric or a particular image. Quite a few TVs are infact
fetishists - being turned on by a single item of clothing which they go
on to wear to make the experience stronger. There are millions of fetishes -
for rubber, leather, body modification, watersports, and countless other
things that you might just regard as everyday objects or situations. Fetishism
is only likely to be a problem when it becomes difficult to be aroused without
the fetish also being present.
BDSM A general term (from Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism)
referring to an attraction to situations in which you or your partner is
in some way made helpless, constrained or given stong physical stimulus
(such as spanking or whipping). This is a contentious subject as it can be hard to
understand the difference between abuse and bdsm. In essence though, bdsm
may be a safe and enjoyable part of a relationship between partners where
it is something that both sides want to do and practice in a safe, controlled
environment.
Bondage Tying people up for fun and profit.. or something.
Domination, Submission Controlling someone, or being controlled.
Some form of submission plays a part in many transvestite fantasies, either
as a way to avoid the guilt of dressing up (ie. by being forced to dress) or
as an expression of a 'feminine role' (trannies don't tend to dress up to
act like a normal woman, but choose a more stereotypical role and costume).
People involved in such play may be called dom(me)s or subs, or switches
(where they enjoy both dominant or submissive roles).
Sadism, Masochism When giving or recieving pain during
sexual activities causes heightened arousal. Masochism seems to be linked with
the release of endorphins in the body as a response to pain. Practicing
such behaviour must only be considered if both parties want to do so, and
if it is carried out in a safe and controlled environment. Masochists and
sadists are sometimes referred to as tops and bottoms.
Safeword A word or phrase used during BDSM to indicate that
the play must stop, whatever the circumstances. This is to distinguish the
desire to stop from the play itself (where you may wish to cry 'oh no, please
don't spank me on my bare behind with the paddle, yes that one there next to
the bullwhip, please no', but definately don't mean it).
Dictionary Something that came nowhere near the writing of this
list. However, on the internet where we cannot pick up on the body language
of each other, meanings are often misunderstood. Dictionary wars result where
opposing sides are wildly offended by the other's dumb definition of the
meaning of a word.